Valkyrie

Random Thought: "Those kids these days with their fanfics!"

I enjoyed the premise of this game, and I think with some work it could have been a lot of fun. It had the feel of someone's first attempt, and to that end I would like to welcome the new author and congratulate them on putting themselves out there, and writing what they feel, and also assure them that there's only room for better and better games. (And if this is not a first attempt, I am sorry for making that assumption). 

 There were plenty of places where I felt that the writing could have use a cleaner or more interesting presentation. They say with art that you should, "show, don't tell", and that applies to IF Comp writing as well. So for instance, instead of writing, "You use a spell to get clean.", how could you write that without using the words "use" "spell" and "clean"? How about this: "You utter a simple combination of words, and suddenly the dirt sloughs off from your body and clothing, forming a small ring of filth around your feet. You spit out a small ball of condensed plaque, and a tumbleweed of loose hair falls from your head. Finally, you feel a slight burning sensation under your arms as your pores exude - momentarily - a perfumed mix of honeydew and vanilla." It's more work to think about describing and phrasing those kinds of details, but it really pays off in the end, and makes for a more engaging game and story.

In a similar vein, I feel that the game could have contained more CYOA player choice splits, and more obvious decision implications, but I understand that those all seriously compound how much work you have to put into the game.

Finally, I feel that mythology was a good place to a new writer to start, and I encourage more use of whatever starting material you feel is good or interesting (and legal). Good luck, and I hope that you continue writing! I look forward to more material from you in the future.

3/10